3 steps to learn the necessary skills in the workplace "to turn the enemy into friends"

Anyone who has encountered hostility at work knows that if there is a colleague who feels threatened by your ability, a boss who is unwilling to listen to your good ideas, or a subordinate who gives you damage, The trend - can all evolve into a devastating disaster in your career, your team or organization.
And when you fight with these bullets, you may find it almost impossible to do any meaningful work, and it is even less likely to be appreciated.
However, learning to properly resolve these hostility is an important part of enhancing the soft power of the workplace. Don't treat these hostile relationships as chronic diseases that you have to endure, but treat them as wounds that must be treated. After healing, you can work and live healthily.

In 1984, John Clendenin was a newcomer to the business school. He earned his first management position in his career in the parts and supply division of Xerox Corporation. At that time, Crandin was a typical "outsider": young, African-American, served in the Navy; he was dressed in a pink shirt and brown suit, in a group of new colleagues wearing grey or black suits Especially eye-catching. "At the time I didn't seem to fit," recalls Crandin. His new role requires him to lead a team, and in his team, there are many employees who have served Xerox for decades.
One of his direct reports has been working for Xerox for 20 years - Tom Gunning. In Gunning's view, the company should have given him this position, not to a newcomer like Klanden, who is young and has no technology. Gunning is also at the heart of the team's interpersonal circle. Therefore, on the first day of his appointment, Crandin was filled with a nervous smile and a low voice behind him. Although he did not pay attention to who was hostile to him, Klandinen knew, "These people are dissatisfied with my joining."
He should indeed be cautious. Given that hostiles can be immensely destructive, simply ignoring, avoiding, or trying to control them is not enough; instead, pragmatic leaders turn their opponents into collaborators—enhancing their status and their relationships. Net and their careers in development.
Through our own case studies, including interviews with organizational leaders like John Crandining who are willing to tell a personal story in this article, plus Brian Uzzi and others to study brain physiology, social group relationships The research results of scholars, we have summarized the 3R method. If you follow the steps correctly, you will develop a new “connective organization” within the company to strengthen your ability to spread knowledge and stimulate new thinking.

Emotion and trust
Many people have tried to turn enemies into friends with good intentions, but their efforts have failed; this is mainly because "trust" has to undergo a complicated development path when it arises in the relationship between people.
Studies have shown that trust is based on rationality and emotion. If your emotional inclination toward someone is negative (usually because of the perceived threat), then your reason will be distorted and turned into an alliance with those negative feelings. This is why disputes can make trust no longer exist: no matter how credible and logical the facts and opinions put forward by the other party, it may be seen as fooling their own tricks. This is not only a psychological phenomenon, but also a physiological effect. When we are in a negative mood, the blood flow in the brain's brain that is responsible for thinking will be reduced, and the blood will rush to the brain's oldest and most unconscious part—the brain stem known as the “reptile,” thus reducing the The understanding and absorption of external information.
For most managers who are determined to reverse their ideas, they will return to reason and they will reward rewards for trustworthy cooperation. But in this case, the "emotional brain" must be managed in a timely manner before the other party can understand the relevant facts and be convinced by rationality.
At Xerox, when John Crandinen saw Tom Gunning, he immediately realized that the two sides could transcend the subordinate relationship that was barely maintained and establish the possibility of strong cooperation. In terms of organizational and technical knowledge, Gunning has accumulated more than 20 years of wealth and has all aspects of contact with the entire company, but he lacks the leadership and vision of Crandinin; in turn, Crandin understands management But it requires Gunning's expertise and network of contacts to give direction to his actions in the new company.
Unfortunately, the emotions that Gunning has for him have hampered all of this. At this time, Crandinen needs to use our "3R" method.

Step1: Reorientation
The first step in 3R is to redirect the other person's negative emotions, that is, to transfer the negative emotions that he/she projected on you. Crandinine decided to have a face-to-face meeting with Gunning, but not in his office - because that would only remind Guning that he had just lost this position. He figured out what kind of restaurant Gunn liked, and asked him to go there for lunch. "I want him to know that I understand his value," Crandin said before and after this reorientation.
He then gave a simple and clear redirection statement. He told Gunning that the root cause of the current situation of the two people was the third-party power that no one could control. “I didn’t arrange you in my current position,” Crandin said. “It’s Xerox that put us in their positions.”
When many executives first heard the story, they laughed at Crandinine and felt that his actions were too direct. However, reorientation does not have to be done in secret. For example, like a magic show, the audience knows that the magician is "reorienting", but this does not reduce the audience's acceptance of the performance, nor does it reduce the rewards that the magician should deserve. This also applies to interpersonal relationships.
“Principle 1: Even if we see the flattery of others, we will still accept it.”
Another common reorientation strategy is to introduce discussions that you are interested in with your opponents; or to talk about the reasons for the tension between the two sides—a new initiative, an employee, or an event. The reason for this is obvious, but reorientation can really shift your opponent's negative emotions from you and lay the groundwork for the second step, interaction.

Step2: Reciprocity
To solve the negative crux, we must first give up some valuable things instead of asking for "fair trade." If you ask for a return immediately after paying, you will not be able to establish a relationship. You just made a transaction.
“Principle 2: Give it before you ask for it.”
Think seriously about what you should pay for; and, better, think of a partner who can come out as a reciprocal thing with little effort. During lunch, Crandinen promised to support Gunning to develop his leadership and will support him in his future promotion of Xerox. With this commitment, Crandinen has moved from reorientation to mutual benefit; but he knows that only the promise of some future benefits is not enough to ignite the passion of cooperation, so he gave Gunning some real things: Opportunity to attend an executive meeting – this is where you can get value right away, not far away. Gunning can increase exposure, recognize more executives, and increase his credibility.
This arrangement ensures mutual benefit and mutual benefit. The appearance of Gunning at the supervisory meeting can make up for Klein Ning's lack of professional technology and organizational information, while also gaining a reputational credit in the circle of Gunning. Therefore, his proposal created the most direct form for mutual benefit. If Gunning appeared at the meeting, Crandinen would no longer have to explicitly ask him for "equivalent return."
To achieve mutual benefit, you have to figure out the way to immediately meet your opponent's needs or reduce their dissatisfaction. First, you have to do what you need to do; at the same time, you have to find a way to ensure that you get the benefits from your opponent without making him feel stressed.

Step3: Rational action
For the initial relationship that has been established by using the first two steps, you have to set expectations - so that your next effort will not be hypocritical, nor will it be futile. Imagine if Crandinen would not explain to Gunning how he planned to work with him before ending his lunch with Gunning. What would happen? Gunning may start to try to figure out the intention of the new boss again, and resume the confrontation posture again. If the other person has been waiting for another boots to fall, this emotional anxiety may ruin the trust you just built.
In his rational actions, Crandin told Gonning that he needed him or someone like him to complete his goal at Xerox. This clearly conveys a message: he believes that Gunning is valuable, but not an indispensable partner. On the other hand, his euphemistic approach also includes the “first refusal” that Gunning cooperates with himself (ie, Gunning is given priority) – which prudently implies the possibility of substitution by others, and His proposal for cooperation has become very special. It must be stated that Crandinen is not asking Gangning to give himself a favor, and then to complete the reciprocity promised in his second step. He is only expressing that he hopes that Gunning will become his ally.
In addition, by giving time to the cooperation proposal, Crandinen further strengthened the connection between the three steps; as a result, the reciprocal content has not changed, but greatly improved the feelings of the other party. He told Gunning that he had to get a reply before they left the restaurant. "I must kill Gunning's hesitation in the bud," Crandin recalled. "He knows that if we want to stay in the restaurant until late at night, I will definitely accompany you."
“Principle 3: Encourage the other party to consider the status quo from a rational perspective, fully understand the expectations and interests of both parties, and recognize that he is facing a valuable opportunity that may be lost.”
Most people want to make a profit when they act, and they try to avoid losses. Rational action is like a bitter medicine after promising each other's sweetness: it clarifies the benefits you can get when you transfer negative emotions and generate positive emotions – and if you don’t make changes, these benefits will follow Time passes and dissolves. It also avoids the ambiguity of expectations and feedback between each other when it comes to pleasing and giving favor to each other in the future, or when the requirements are too high.
Of course, Crandin and Gunning did not become intimate collaborators as soon as they walked out of the restaurant, but both agreed that they should help each other for this possibility. In the next few weeks, this new concept allowed them to work like allies and enter a virtuous circle of mutual self-reinforcement between trust and resource sharing. As a result, Crandinine turned an opponent who might have been harmful to a normal colleague, and then became a strong partnership over time.
A few years later, when Crandin was transferred to another division of Xerox, he nominated Gunning as his successor – and Gunning later performed well in this position. And this extraordinary change is based on just one lunch time.

Adaptation 3R method
A key advantage of the 3R approach is that it can be used to deal with almost all opponents, including peers and supervisors.
During his time at Klein, Crandin noted the inefficiency of the company's inventory system. At the time, Xerox consisted of a number of semi-autonomous, globally dispersed business units that often overstocked in order to avoid stock shortages. Klandinen recommends that these units share inventory through the company's internal trading network to improve overall resource efficiency and reduce transportation costs. For Xerox, the idea is great, but it threatens the power of some business unit VPs. Therefore, when Crandinine’s idea was first raised, he was shot by the vice presidents.
However, not long after, the CEO suddenly announced that the company had to manage its assets better, so Crandinen found a way to revisit the previous ideas to the vice presidents. Crandinen knew that he was an unwelcome challenger in their eyes—or an opponent—and he decided to use the 3R method.
His first step is to reorient their negative emotions. In order to shift this sentiment from himself, Crandinen arranged a lunch for the vice presidents in various regional offices to serve them personally. This approach has been different from the previous one. "I don't mention all the self and personality, I never say 'this is my idea,'" Krandinen recalls. "I have been saying 'we'." He did not express himself as The specific individual who promotes this proposal is represented by someone who can accelerate the pace of organizational change, thus shifting the focus of the anxiety of their opponents.
Based on the principle that reciprocity paid before the request, he did not ask the vice president to do anything at the meeting. Instead, he contributed to a discussion about an action led by the CEO. Inventory management is a problem that has been pointed out by many vice presidents, which is not surprising; and Klandenin’s push puts this issue on the table. He called himself "the person who discovered the basic problem" rather than the person who wanted to weaken the autonomy of the vice presidents.
This allowed him to demonstrate the rationality of his original idea. Suddenly, for those vice presidents who were previously hostile, his ideas didn't look like threats but opportunities. Crandinine said that he is now willing to adjust to a new inventory system, the cost is lower than the price of any similar system in the market; he also said that he may not have time to do this in the future - This statement raises the value of his proposal.
The vice presidents agreed to implement the plan on a phase-by-stage basis and let Crandnin take responsibility. The move was carried out in a gradual and profitable manner, which ultimately saved millions of dollars for Xerox. Equally important, Crandinen was recognized as a “broker” within the company and was recognized by the vice presidents. His reputation as an organization builder has also improved.
John Crandinen understands that confrontation can't help anyone; in fact, success often depends not only on letting opponents eliminate hostility, but also on turning them into partners. By using the 3R approach to build trust in their networks, Klandenen ensures that every party in the network can grow well – including himself, Gunning, their team, vice presidents, and Xerox. In this way, we build a foundation for long-term relationships and share success.
A few years later, Crandinen founded his own international logistics company. In his new field, former opponent Tom Gunning is now a partner, and the investors of the new company are those who have been shot. The proposed vice presidents.

What if the 3R method fails?
Although the 3R method is effective, it cannot be guaranteed to be foolproof. What should you do once this law fails?
Strive to seek indirect cooperation. For example, you can find a third party that your opponent trusts to cooperate. Such a simple alliance can make your opponents realize the benefits of working with you.
Keep in mind the importance of timing. To communicate with people who have real power, you need an opportunity. At this point, Crandinen and Xerox's vice president discuss the process of inventory management: although he was rejected when he first proposed, he was able to throw his own ideas again when the CEO recruited a new strategy. .
Realize when you should turn elsewhere. Sometimes, it takes a lot of effort to turn the enemy into a friend, and the reward is very small. At this point, it will be more beneficial for you and your company to allocate the same resources to other partnerships.
Brain Uzzi, Shannon Dunlap | Wen Brian Wuqi is Professor of Leadership and Organizational Change at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management and Co-Head of the Northwest Institute of Complex Systems; Shannon Dunlap is a journalist and writer living in New York.
Xiong Jingru|译齐菁|Edit this article has been abridged, the original text see "Harvard Business Review" in June 2012 "Cold Enemy as a Cheat."

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